I want to be...
I want to be selfish for once and keep you to myself, so that I may love you in peace. But I highly doubt you would let that happen.
I think that you do not care for my feelings for you.
I would do basically anything for you, but I would never be able to stop loving you, stop being around, forget about you nor memories. I would never be able to give you up.
Why can't you be mine? Why cna't you return my love? Why am I unworthy of you?
I wish to hold you close and just feel your warmth, even while I am asleep.
You are my life, my everything, anything and nothing. Basically, you make me whole.
But you won't allow that, will you..? Because I want to be a little bit selfish...
I see you
When I close my eyes, I see you. I don't know why, I don't understand. This feeling I get, it makes me queasy.
Why must it be so, even if I don't want this? For years, this onesided love has been tearing me up. What must I do, for you to see, that I am true to you?
I can't rest, I don't get to sleep. This feeling, this strong force. Forcing me to do these little things.
I wake up at night, I sit down at the computer. I blink my eyes, attempting to focus. Then I write, unspeakable letters of love.
But I want you to know, that you're the one I love. The only one I'm looking at, dreaming about. You're everywhere in my head.
Sweetie - I love you.
The reason
How long have I known you now? 7 years? 8 years?
Something like that.
I have nothing to brag about when it comes to myself. I know little of anything, but I try hard to make it worth it. So far, I have failed in every aspect of living and breathing. I feel I haven't done anything but to leech from this planet. From its creatures. From its lifeforce.
I can no longer tell what is what or what is wrong or right. I have no sense of direction or any remaining train of thoughts to bring me onwards.
I feel that I am stuck upon this spot.
I have my memories - like the first time I met you.
The first time I could call you a true friend.
The first time I properly hugged you.
The first time I kissed you.
And the first time I fell in love with you.
We trained martial arts together. Sparred with eachother several times.
We laughed together, and you were there for me when I needed you the most.
We've spent so much time together, I can no longer remember it all. Certain memories are fading.
We watched the moon and the stars together, even though the cold weather was biting us hard.
We slipped our arms around eachother and hugged tightly. At this moment, I was so happy I wanted to cry. I could nearly not believe I had a friend as good as you. As close as you. As perfect as you.
We brought our lips together and we kissed eachother. Seconds felt like years. I still remember the warm touch. The touch of your hands. Even on that very evening, you walked me to the door. You looked at me and smiled softly before you looked back into the house, to make sure your mother wasn't looking. Then you leaned towards me and kissed me again. The touch of your lips made my whole body tingle. Shivers went up my spine and it gave me goosebumps.
Those warm and moisten lips against my own - this is a memory I won't forget.
At this point, I knew I loved you. And I knew I had loved you for some time.
As the time flew by, my love for you grew stronger by the day. By the hour. By the minute. By the second. I questioned my love for you several times, but there was no doubt to be found what so ever. I couldn't see myself with anyone else but you. You had me enchanted. I had fallen so hard.
In return, I feel I've given you very little. Personally, I cannot find anything that I can honestly say that I have given you.
My jealousy, my ego and my wish to have you as my own - it feels like I have been hurting you a lot through these years. After I have been thinking a lot, I always seem to be coming with a comment that hurts you in some way. I know it hurts you, because I can tell. And I regret it so very, very much afterwards.
I feel that I've leaned on you far too much, and based a very large part of my life upon you. I've been thinking of you as my saviour, my guardian angel. And well, my only reason to keep on living.
My vision is probably very clouded, but they say 'Love makes blind', but I cannot see anyone else but you in this foggy marshland of my brain.
I wonder - What makes you so perfect? What makes it so that you're the only one I see? Why am I too stupid not to see past you and move on? Why can I not give up on my love for you?